Humility

humility

Here is  the question, the one you’re supposed to know the answer to, you think you’ve figured it out but (if you’re me, at least) every time, it pops back up and takes my attention: "Who do you think you are?”

Enter this quote. I don’t care if you’ve seen it a thousand times, it’s one of the truest things I’ve ever read:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. -Marianne Williamson

In the past, this paragraph has inspired me. But today, even though I still think it’s true, I feel cynical.   And what's behind the cynicism - fear. I feel myself cowering under these words. They feel harsh. I mean, I’d like to shine, but today I don’t feel shiny- I feel gun shy.

I wonder, though, if all self-doubt isn’t actually wrapped around a kernel of pride, or at least self-preservation. I don’t want to stick up or stick out. If I speak loudly, I may be misunderstood. If I step out there too much there might be too much responsibility.  If I don't go with the flow there will be conflict.

If I try to do all this stuff, I could fail.

And there’s the kernel.

Pride would rather be “successful” at small and unchallenging things, in a little pond, with good-enough results, than take a risk on big and difficult things on a grand scale with grand dreams. Pride cannot stand to think what others would say if they did not understand, if they became jealous, if all the hard work in the world turned out to not really do much of anything. Pride wants to see labor rewarded and accomplishments applauded, and that is best guaranteed by exceeding low, manageable expectations.  

Humility doesn’t really need to be able to paint all that well or “make a difference”; but it will. Because humility doesn’t plan to do these things alone. Humility says,  my help comes from the Lord, and therefore so do my dreams. Humility asks for help, does one thing at a time, and waits for the outcome in quiet confidence.

At  least, I intellectually know that.  It's the practical application of humility that is hard.  God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference- comes to mind.

When self doubt and insecurity threaten to overwhelm,  thats when you should kick up the pursuit of your dreams and truth a notch.  You should live out of hope in a world you cannot yet see, even when you do not know how your small part matters. 

I know only that I have been called to a big dream.  Who am I not to accept?