How sweet the sound

I have always been someone that thought of silence as loud. I turn on music or a TV as background noise even if everyone is talking. It unnerves me like a scratch on a chalkboard. That might explain why I talk so much;)!

Just a few days ago my brother, David passed away with cancer. During his two month battle I had a lot of silent moments filled with guilt, fear, anxiety, sorrow and anger.

David and I had similar personalities in many ways. Both of us intense, a tremendous amount of energy and we defined our happiness and fulfillment by our work. He was a craftsman as well. He spoke about his tools as if they were the crown jewels. In the way that we differed (and this still breaks my heart), David never really felt valued and loved in this life. So, therefore his work had to fill in all the gaps for him. He was not alone, on the contrary, he was surrounded by a loving wife, grandchildren and people who loved, needed and valued him. But for reasons that I won't go into, he just could not let go of past hurts and learn to trust and accept that he was worthy of love and goodness.

There was a week that he was taken off of life support and I was just beating the walls with anxiety of NEEDING to do something. An unsolvable problem is not something that I work well with. Again, like David I am somewhat defined by what I can DO. When it is happening to someone else- I can paint them a painting, I can make flower arrangements, I can do their hair, I can bring food, I can tell funny stories but this time it was happening to my family and all of my abilities were useless. I went to bed that night in a fit of anger and helplessness. I had myself a pow pow with God and expressed my utter disappointment in His methods. Really, God?? I know we are all going to die and I know that we will be with you in paradise all healed and blah blah blah....(yes I was speaking like that) but does it have to be THIS bad. Can't he just be a young man leaving his family in the prime of his life and that be enough?? Must he be in constant unbearable pain from a brain tumor, a mouth filled with unbearable blisters, blind in one eye, deaf in one ear, pneumonia and NOW a stroke....and NOW hanging on for a solid week with no nourishment and aware of how much he is suffering?? I feel asleep railing at the unfairness. I was aware I was being selfish. I was aware that I was making it about how "I" was feeling. I was also aware that I was feeling guilty and sad that I had not been a better sister. That if I had just been more patient and forgiving, his life might have looked differently.

What a difference a night makes. I woke up the next morning feeling much better. My prayer that morning was to say ....I am so sorry Lord! You know my ego and stubbornness. After all- You made me:). Just help me be stronger and know how I can be of service to You here until David gets there to You.

The hospital let David go home that day in Virginia. My sisters and I packed up and headed out.
He was aware that we were there and could reach up his hand to grab ours. We made it just by a couple of hours. I made sure to continually stroke his hair and tell him all of the things he should have heard everyday in this life. The things that most people take for granted as just everyday conversation. Then there was a moment when I was alone with him that I allowed myself to really look at him. His body ravaged by disease his laboring breath and all I could picture was that blond little boy and it broke me. I could no longer think of anything to say except, "I am so sorry this has happened to you" and I started to cry. I felt guilty for losing my resolve. In the absence of something joyful to say, I started singing. "Amazing Grace how sweet the sound...." At that moment all went quiet. No more labored breath, no more pain. I hadn't run out of things to say, it was time for me to be silent and let the angels come in.

Sitting beside the bed in the moments after that, as sad as it was- I was grateful. As hard as it was to stand there for those few hours- I was and am grateful. Because God showed me that my skills were not useless. The only one I possess that really is an important thing was my ability to show and tell him that he was loved in THIS life. That he mattered. God allowed him to hang on to hear it. HE gave all who cared for David that gift.

I write this today not just to recount the details, but so that anyone reading this can be encouraged, as I am. Encouraged to be a better sister, friend, partner and neighbor. To spend more time in silence, as loud as it is to me, and wait for God's whispers. I read somewhere once "Every tool or person or skill that it takes to heal your past and unlock your future you possess RIGHT NOW." I think I will make this my new mantra and reassess how I define my gifts and value.

I am home now and organizing my spring work now that my mind is free. I am still sad, of course, and that will fade with time. I will be back to myself in no time.

I have had a difficult time creating anything this year. I am someone that paints when I'm happy. Since I am happy most of the time, this is a good plan. With all of the layers of David's suffering now at rest, I can get on with the business of making art. I can start with an affirmed sense of purpose and knowledge that this life really is all about Loving one another. We all say at the New Year all of the things that we are going to change about ourselves and our lives. Just know.....this has changed me on a profound level and opened my heart even wider. I am going to be slinging some love all around folks and I hope it shows up BIG in my words, actions and work.

For all of the prayers, I thank you!